Chase (Monk Political Thriller Series) on Apple Books
Customer: What holiday? Sharona: [Sharona pauses and looks around] It's Lamp Day! Teal had it all - more money than God, a beautiful wife - but he was the loneliest man on the planet. I was the chauffeur, and I felt sorry for him. Sharona : Feeling sorry for your boss? I can't imagine how that must feel. Adrian Monk: Get in the car! Monk and the Other Woman [ edit ] Monk : It doesn't make any sense. Stottlemeyer : Does everything have to make sense, Monk? Monk : Well Todd : You should be ashamed of yourself! Monk : I am, Monk : You won't have to get me — I'm not a child, Sharona.
Stottlemeyer : Hey, Monk! Stottlemeyer : I'm sorry. Monk : You don't have to say that. Stottlemeyer : Yes, I do. Commissioner is making me. Monk and the Marathon Man [ edit ] Monk : [about someone's sweater that he tried to fix] It was askew! Sharona : So what? So what — why can't you just let people be askew? I mean, what are you, the Askew Police? Monk : Yes, I'm the Askew Police. Stottlemeyer : She was your girlfriend.
McDowell : Yes, uh I really screwed up, big time. Stottlemeyer : How long have you been "screwing up"? Monk places it against his cheek. Thank you for this. Tonday : I haven't worn it since the big race. Or washed it. Monk pulls the headband off his cheek and stares at it. Baggie, baggie! Sharona : Just give it to me. Monk Takes a Vacation [ edit ] [Monk and Benjy observe Sharona losing to a handsome acquaintance at tennis. You think she's letting him win? Monk : I wouldn't be surprised. Benjy : You know, why do girls do that?
Adrian Monk : Someday you'll understand. Disher : So, you want to tell me what's going on? Monk : I think this time, he might have killed his wife. Disher : Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel? Monk : No, but I think this place is run by the same company. I think we're looking for a gang. Groundskeeper : They don't belong there. Groundskeeper : A short gang of lime thieves? Monk : It's a nutty world. Monk : Okay, just for the record, what we just did Benjy : Breaking and entering?
Monk : Yeah Don't-don't do it. Monk : Maybe. It's been everywhere else. Monk and the Earthquake [ edit ] [The earthquake prevents Sharona and Benjy from returning to their home. Benjy : Why can't we stay at Mr. Sharona : Because I will go crazy slower at Aunt Gail's. Sharona tells him to leave the room. Sharona : Neptune. Gail Fleming : Oh yeah, it always gets like that after an earthquake. Fortunately, I always keep some mineral water around for situations like this Where's my water?
Cuts to the bathroom, where Monk is soaking in the tub, surrounded by empty plastic bottles. Monk : Don't come in, I'm taking a bath. Gail Fleming : With my mineral water?! Monk : I tried the water from the tap, it was a little rusty. Monk : [oblivious to her sarcasm] Thank you! Disher : So, uh Gail Fleming : Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house, and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls.
Took me two months to get rid of it. Drove me crazy. Disher Gail Fleming : And, that's what it's like! Stottlemeyer, who grabs him from behind. Stottlemeyer : I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw. Darryl Wright : I don't have a broken jaw! Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger [ edit ] [Monk rattles off an arcane observation about one of Willie's studio recordings.
Sharona : He knows more about everybody than they do. Stottlemeyer : Close the door. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene. Disher : The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened. Stottlemeyer: The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there. Stottlemeyer: Really? Sharona: Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band. Stottlemeyer: Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. On the tape, Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway, tapping her cane as she feels around] Yeah, there goes Mrs.
Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk. Sharona: Are you gonna arrest him? Stottlemeyer: D. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the news.
Monk : Captain, what about the note on the door? Stottlemeyer: My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer. Monk: I don't know. Stottlemeyer: Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger. Disher: Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene. Stottlemeyer: "A" or "B", Monk?
Monk: I think it's "C". Stottlemeyer: "C"?
RULES OF THE
What the hell is "C"? Monk: I don't know yet. Disher: So, what's the plan? Stottlemeyer: Well, you know how they handled the O. We do the opposite.
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Where are we? Disher: Uh, same as I told you on the phone, sir. Mass is reasonably sure that she can recognize the assailant's voice. Stottlemeyer: Reasonably sure. Mass] Excuse me, Mrs. Do you listen to country and western music? Wendy Maas: No, I like classical. Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Bring him in. Disher: Sir, are you ready for this? Stottlemeyer: What is this? A game show? Can't you just walk in here and say what you have to say? Disher: The droplets on Willie Nelson's jacket: human blood from the victim. Stottlemeyer: Well, he said that he leaned over the body. Maybe he got the blood on him then. Disher: What do you think? Stottlemeyer: Well, I think it's not exactly through the hoop, is it?
Stottlemeyer: Forty-eight percent. Disher: Voice I. Stottlemeyer: Fifteen percent.
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Disher: Motive? Stottlemeyer: Twenty. I mean, plus means and opportunity. Stottlemeyer: All right, bring him in. I have to be crazy. Be plumb out of my mind to arrest Willie Nelson. Stottlemeyer: Willie Nelson? Willie Nelson: Don't think they're goin' for it, boys. Disher: Mr. Nelson, we have a warrant for your arrest for the premeditated murder of Jason "Sonny" Cross. Monk and the Airplane [ edit ] Monk : She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian? It's like Disher on an airplane phone. Disher : Are you really up there in an airplane?
Monk : It's better than being up here not in an airplane. He starts banging on the door and Sharona comes to rescue him.
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Open up! This isn't funny! Monk pops out, clutching a piece of paper. Monk : It's my will. Stefan Chabrol: Bernard. Bernard: [chuckles] What a small world. Can you believe this? Stefan Chabrol: No. Bernard: I was just thinking about your father, God rest his soul. Are you heading back home? Bernard: Yes, me too. Stefan Chabrol: Ah! Bernard: To meet me? I taught you how to waltz that night. Barbara Chabrol: Oh, yes. Bernard: Since when?
We spoke for over an hour. That was only three years ago. Stefan Chabrol: Uh, Bernard. Man on phone: Claude Pritchard the pilot, yeah. Monk: So, he made it okay. What a relief. Man on phone: What do you mean? Monk: Uh, oh, he was in pretty bad shape when I left him. Man on phone: Party boys? Please stay in your seats. We will be underway in just a few moments.
Season 2 [ edit ] Mr. Monk Goes Back to School [ edit ] Capt. Stottlemeyer : Well, I guess this is your worst nightmare, a crime scene on a rooftop.
Monk : No, it's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. No, wait, fifth. No, fourth. Fourth or fifth, I didn't bring the list with me. Monk : [repeating Derek Philby's words back to him] Q. Quod erat demonstratum. Monk : Used to be. I'm a private consultant now, and, uh I'm just helping the department with their report.
First Teacher : That's right. The students were taking their SATs. We were proctoring the test. Monk : So - so you were all together? Sharona : Adrian! So he tries mixing the two pots together while trying to even them out] Derek Philby : Excuse me, what are you doing? Monk : Oh - um Derek Philby : [highly amused at the little display] But you're mixing the regular with the decaf!
Monk : But they're even. Derek Philby : But they're mixed together! Monk : But they're - they're even. Derek Philby : But they're mixed together. Monk : But they're even Monk Goes to Mexico [ edit ] [Monk's suitcases, filled with food and water, get stolen] Monk : What am I going to eat and drink?
Sharona : Adrian, they have food and water in Mexico. Monk : Answer the question! What am I going to eat and drink!? Stottlemeyer : I want a full-dress funeral, white gloves and black armbands, twenty-one gun salute. I want the governor there, and I want the mayor to give a eulogy Disher : Monk wasn't on active duty, sir.
We can't go full-dress Stottlemeyer : Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors, or I quit! Let me tell you something, Lieutenant, and I'm not afraid to say this: I loved that man. Stottlemeyer : [answers] Stottlemeyer Yes, I understand. Plato : Maybe you come back alone, you can earn some more necklaces. Sharona : Why does everybody keep mentioning my necklaces? Plato : They are fiesta beads. Sharona : What are fiesta beads? Plato : You don't remember how you got them? Sharona : Ahh, no. Plato : Guys give them to girls Sharona : Oh, what for?
Plato whispers to Sharona] Sharona : [gasps] Oh my God, why didn't you tell me?! Plato : You wore them so Monk : I mean, the perfect victim. Monk : You're welcome. Scott Gregorio : They say that when you lose an arm, you can still feel it. That's what it feels like. I miss her so much. How do you How do you keep working?
Monk : When Trudy fell in love with me, I was a detective. I was on the street, breaking cases. So I keep working. I keep trying to be the man she loved. That's all you can do: be the man she loved. You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice. Sharona : Okay, here it is! Monk : Don't blink. Stottlemeyer : Oh, my God. Disher : Oh, my God! Stottlemeyer : Oh, my Monk : [off Stottlemeyer's look] My God. But I would like to say something. I met a man recently. He's become a good friend. He reminded me that there are things in life much more important than baseball.
What matters most, is the people you love. Being true to them, or their memories. That's the real ball game. My friend isn't giving up on that, and neither am I. I'll see you all in spring training. Monk Goes to the Circus [ edit ] Capt. Stottlemeyer : All right.
It's , the place is packed. Everybody's having a good time. Then the perp, dressed in black, comes down the fire escape, and leaps down. Monk : Wait a minute, he leaps down? Stottlemeyer : Yep. He confronts the perp, the perp does a spin move Monk : Really? Stottlemeyer : At this point, pulls a gun, fires one round, right through the guy's heart - killshot. What is that, thirty feet? Stottlemeyer : Thirty-four. I know, that's a hell of a shot. We pulled that slug out of the planter box. Disher : Look at this. A cannon? Stottlemeyer : That's a. Disher : They use it on safaris, to stop elephants.
Monk : And who was the victim? Disher : [looks at his notes] Uh, his name is Sergei Cluvarias. They're running it now. Monk : Table's set for two. Who was his date? Stottlemeyer : Some broad. She ran off. We'll have a sketch soon. Where is the sugar? Disher : Sugar? This bowl's empty. All the other bowls are full.
Stottlemeyer : You're right. What's that mean? Monk : I don't know. What about the cashier? Stottlemeyer : No, showed zero interest. This wasn't about money. Disher : Or it was, and he got scared away. Stottlemeyer : What's that? Monk : Wood shavings. Stottlemeyer : Wood shavings?
Monk : Sawdust? Stottlemeyer : Randy! Stottlemeyer : Well, the getaway, which is why you're here. I thought this might be right up your alley. Disher : No pun intended. Disher : Because of the alley. Stottlemeyer : Shecky , can I continue? All right. For once, the witnesses are all on the same page: they all saw the perp jump to this table, and then leaped up to this bar [He gestures to show the killer's actions] …and did a somersault, and then over the valet, runs down the street and makes a left turn down the alley.
Disher : A circus?
Chase Alan Monks
Stottlemeyer : Ha ha. That makes a lot of sense. Disher : Sir? Stottlemeyer : Yeah? Disher : We just got a positive on the victim. Stottlemeyer : Master of ceremonies? Disher : Yeah, the ringmaster. Stottlemeyer : At the circus? Monk : [at the circus] I'm not really in my comfort zone here. Sharona : You have a comfort zone? Monk : Yes, I have a comfort zone. Monk : It's not very big. It's, uh I-I don't have a comfort zone.
Ariana Dakkar : Why talk to me? Monk : You were with him last night, weren't you? At the cafe when he was killed. Ariana Dakkar : Who told you that? Monk : No one told me. You shouldn't have taken all the sugar cubes from the table. Ariana Dakkar : I shouldn't have run away, I know, but I was scared. I was sure she was going to kill me, too. Monk : "She"? You think the killer was a woman? I know exactly who it was! A justice of the peace may issue warrants for search and arrest, conduct preliminary hearings, administers oaths, perform marriages and serve as a coroner in counties where there is no provision for a medical examiner.
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